Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Interview

So my good friend Jennifer Bartman, who's crazies many of you have experienced, decided to ask me the most ridiculous pregnancy related questions she could think of. Naturally, I enabled her shenanigans by answering in an equally ridiculous fashion. it is, for your reading enjoyment:

JB: How pregnant are you? 
ME: A million.

JB: Do you now own any muumuus? 

ME: No, but Will just got his!

JB: I heard you are a virgin, is that true?
ME: Yes, yes it is. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a turkey baster and some free time.

JB: So you were not impregnated by the holy ghost? 

ME: Not unless his alias is KitchenAid

JB: What do you think the race of the baby will be?
ME: Well, neither one of us is very athletic, so at most, 100 meter dash. Definitely not a marathoner.

JB: What will he be when he grows up?
ME: Probably like 5'9" at best.
JB:I heard you have three or four moms. How many moms is your baby going to have?
ME: I'm not sure, but we are currently accepting applications. Send resume, and an essay answering the question, "Ways in which I will keep your child alive" to my email.

JB: Can I be one? 
ME: I haven't received your application
JB: If the thing in your stomach is actually an alien, do you think it will be a friendly alien or a maniacal alien?
ME: Hmm, well...since Will likes to talk to strangers, I'm thinking he'll be a friendly alien. But just to be prepared, we bought "Raising Aliens for Dummies" - both the friendly and maniacal editions

JB: How sexy does Will think your belly is?
ME: Let's just say it's good that he's always had a thing for Santa Claus 

JB: I heard you and Will have are planning to turn the baby into a killing machine. How have you been prepping him so far?
ME: We put American Psycho on repeat on an old ipod, and shoved it up my hoo ha.

JB:Can I give him nunchucks for his first birthday?
ME: NO. We have a strict "no nunchucks until you're 3" policy in our house. A taser is acceptable, though

JB: If the baby is fat, how will you help him lose the weight?
ME: No need! We'll just get these:

JB: What qualities are you looking for in a full-time nanny? 
ME: Actually, we aren't looking for a full time nanny. We figured we'd just tie the baby to the dog. He pretty much stays on the couch all day anyway, so the baby will be safe. Plus, he'll get some fresh air while being dragged around the yard every few hours.

JB: What other animals will the baby ride? 
ME: Just the pony we got him for Christmas

JB: How much more welfare money will you be getting when the baby comes?
ME: We plan to start counting him as a disabled veteran immediately, so we're hoping for at least $1,000 a month. Between that and the dog's social security checks, I should be able to quit my job

JB: If I wanted to be pregnant myself, how would I get started?

ME: If you have a turkey baster, then you're ready to go!

Clearly, we have too much free time.

1 comment:

  1. dude if he is gettin a pony we are no longer friends! turkey baster slut!!!!!!